Tales From the Stupid Side: Chapter 1

Easy as 1, 2, 3: Part 2

                                                   Triple Take

Blitzwing zoomed through the sky, enjoying the warm sun on his wings. He turned off his main thrusters and allowed himself to glide, quietly sliding over the buildings of Detroit.

“Zat All Spark fragment haz to be around here zomvhere.” He stated to himself, surveying the ground below him. As he passed over a patch of trees located in a park, his sensors went wild. If that wasn’t the fragment, it was something just as powerful. Descending upon the grassy area, Blitzwing found that there were no humans running about.

“How ztrange…” he mumbled; now wondering if this was an ambush set by the autobots. “Perhaps ve should turn back.” He began to turn around to return to the base but found himself subject to his other personalities. Switching to Random, the sinister-looking Con giggled,

“Zink about it brozer, do you REALLY vant to go home and play Pong vor ze next twelve hours or zo?” The manic con returned control to Icy, his work done. With the foreboding possibility of 12 mind numbing hours of Pong looming on the horizon, Blitzwing spun about and, with quick steps, entered the patch of trees. The fragment wasn’t hard to find, but getting it…THAT was an entirely different story. It was settled squarely in a large bird’s nest in one of the trees, and although it was not out of Blitzwing’s reach, it was heavily guarded. Sitting in the nest was a crow, and virtually filling the trees was a massive flock of the black birds. They all stared, unblinking, at Blitzwing. Icy grew uneasy beneath their glare, and Hothead, sensing his brother’s reluctance to continue, took control of the body.

“Ju big baby! Vhat are you? A SPARKLING?!” He roared to his calmer side as he stomped up to the nest. He reached up to grab the fragment, crushing the nest in his massive hand.

“Huh?” he questioned, pulling his hand out of the tree. Dripping from between his fingers were the goopy remains of the eggs that had been in the nest with the fragment. “EEW!” he shook his fist vigorously, trying to rid himself of the slimy egg products. Suddenly, the flock erupted into a fit of horrid screeching. The poor mech never stood a chance. The birds descended upon him in a cloud of black, squawking doom. Hothead yelped and covered his head with his arms as the birds swarmed over him, instinctively trying to peck out his eyes, or in this case, destroy his visor.  Stumbling backwards and out of the patch of trees, Hothead fell onto the ground…on top of a certain VERY GROUCHY Autobot. Rolling around on the grass, Hothead was defenseless against the crows, especially when one of them flew into his open mouth and started pecking at the wires in the back of his throat. Only when a pink light enveloped a nearby stop sign and started smacking away at the crows with said object did he allow himself to online his optics again.

“Ptewie!” the con spat out the crow that had been attempting to sabotage him from within and looked up to the source of the shadow that was begin cast over him. There stood Ratchet in all his glory, glaring down with a cocked optic at Hothead, who quickly got up and took on a fighting stance.

“Back off Autobot! Zis Fragment is ourz!” roared the gap-toothed con, lowering his cannons into firing position.

“Not exactly.” Came a voice from behind. The next thing Blitzwing knew, he’d been zapped by a bolt of electricity, provided by none other than Bumblebee. Whirling around and firing madly at the small bot, Blitzwing growled in frustration. Ratchet began hurling things at him with his magnets, and Blitzwing was left with only one option, “RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!”, lest he risk losing the fragment in the fray. Switching to Icy and taking off, Blitzwing took to the sky with a blast of his thrusters. But he soon found himself unable to move any farther, Ratchet had grabbed him with his magnets, and was struggling to hold onto the con from the ground.

“Bumblebee! Go get Prime! I’ll hold him off for as long as I can!” yelled Ratchet to his smaller teammate. With a nod, Bumblebee transformed and set off in search of their leader, leaving the old medic and Blitzwing to no one but each other. With a grunt and a yank, Ratchet managed to create enough pull to bring Blitzwing crashing to the ground. But soon a tank rolled from within the newly created crater, and Ratchet was bombarded with heat blasts faster than you can say…umm…something that you say really fast. Transforming into an ambulance, Ratchet resorted to dodging the assault while Hothead chased him around in little circles for about ten minutes or so.

“I’ve had enough of zis!” roared Hothead, transforming back into a mech and shooting off a massive blast, nailing the ambulance on his left door. With a howl of pain, the medic rolled over before transforming back into a mech as well and looking over at his attacker. Hothead smirked, the gap in his teeth showing visibly through his smile. He glanced down at his hand, still firmly clutching the fragment. His optics widened as an idea slowly dawned on him. “Why not up his power level?” His grin widened as he reached behind his back, slipping the fragment into a slot in his cannon turret. Feeling the raw power coursing through him Hothead ignored the frantic warnings of both Icy and Random as he charged his cannons to finish off the medic.

A massive explosion filled the park, radiating light and heat for quite a far distance. Trees were blown away from the site, as was Ratchet. The fragment had overloaded Blitzwing’s cannons, and he had self-destructed. Or so the medic hoped anyway as he dragged himself up from the ground again and limped off to find his teammates. But Blitzwing was still very much in tact; lying at the bottom of the newest crater he’d just created. It was almost an hour before he onlined his optics, Icy’s face was scratched and dented along with the rest of his body. But as his vision reset itself, a huge form came into focus lying just a bit a away from him. He blinked a few times, confused as to what it could be, until he realized…IT WAS HIS BODY. However, he discovered as he looked down at himself, that he was still attached to a torso, still had all his servos; nothing was missing at all. But that was definitely his body lying over there.

“Vhat ze hell juzt happened?” he asked, addressing his other sides. There was no response; in fact, his mind was insanely quiet, almost as though there was no one else inhabiting his helm. A deep groan rose from the body next to him, and then Icy understood. The All Spark Fragment had separated his personalities. “Uh-oh. Zen zat meanz!” He turned around just in time to be tackled by a cackling Random, having pounced from the other side of the crater in the blink of an eye.

“Hello zhere brozer!” he screeched, cupping Icy’s chin. “It lookz like ve can finally see eye to eye!” He examined Icy’s face before giggling, “Oh, meine brozer, haf you always been zis cute?” Icy threw the insane Decepticon off of him and turned to the groaning mech that was slowly dragging itself to its feet.

“Oh…meine aching procezzors…zis must be vhat Starscream veels like vhen he comez back from Vegas…” Hothead felt a presence behind him and adjusted his gaze to the blue-faced con standing near him, an open mouthed, “Oh dear PRIMUS.” Expression twisting his normally calm demeanor. It took a few seconds for Hothead’s reasonably limited intelligence capacity to take in the situation before he looked down at himself and then over at Random, who was rolling around blissfully in the dirt beside Icy. “I’m not stuck vith zhem anymore?” he mumbled to himself, trailing his hands over his chassis as if to make sure that he was really there. A grin suddenly lit up his face as he exclaimed,

“WOOT! I’m free! I’m not ztuck vith a pansy and a psychopath anymore!”  Icy’s face reddened at Hothead’s label for him, but Random seemed perfectly content with being called a psychopath. He’s whacked and he knew it, there was no sense in trying to deny to obvious. Hothead waved a hand royally at his two other sides and declared in an Almighty tone,

“Vell, if ju two ladies vill excuse me, I’m going home.” He began to walk off before being tackled to the ground by Icy.

“Vhat do you mean, LADIES?! If you ask me, you’re ze voman here!” The two cons rolled around in the grass for a bit, each trying to get a firm hold on the other’s throat. Random, watching the spectacle with unlimited amounts of amusement, suddenly looked to the sky, pointed and shouted gleefully,

“LOOK! ZHERE GOES LUGNUT! HI!!!” he waved joyously at the huge purple plane that was soaring overhead, flying in the direction of the base. Icy looked up from strangling Hothead and Hothead stopped biting Icy’s arm, both up them directing their gaze upward to see Lugnut making a beeline for their mine. Icy and Hothead both exclaimed in unison,

OH SLAG!” Before taking off to try and beat Lugnut home. Random simply watched them go and then skipped off after them, singing some strange Earth nursery rhyme involving a girl named Mary who brought a sheep to school and lost it.

“Heehee! Zis is going to be so much fun!” he giggled as he skipped across a busy highway.